Poems

Seeing Red

Mark PA Pic 062021

Didn’t understand, got drunk instead,

No filter switched on wishing I was dead,

Never went to bed, broke my hand, saw Red,

Got these demons in my head, my hand bled,

Do summat call a fed, people deleted me, so I heard then I read.

 

Don’t care switched off, never happened who understands,

Just another statistic with one eye, now one hand,

Broken to bits, heart pounding, head in the sand,

Don’t feel owt just plain or dead bland.

 

Crazy come round, woke up, look at mess,

Looking around at sights to depress,

Not stressed? Maybe signs of my head distressed,

Did I just reach out I confessed?

 

Lonely? Anger?

I just got started,

Got no strength for me to disappear or become parted,

From this bullshit life, who needs me? Not a wife?

 

Hearts broken, too much confusion too many a mood,

I’ve never been rude,

I just got this feeling, that I have to fuel with food,

To make me feel normal, calm n blessed inside,

So, I can walk with a limp ‘n hand by my side.

 

Confidence, smiling, what people like to see,

Not the upset ‘n emotion hiding in me,

It’s fake. It’s a lie,

Nothing happening just wanna die,

But then I cry, why?

Cos my mind is muddled, analyse everything, boil starts to fry.

 

So, I carry on ‘n sit talking telling me what’s what,

What I did last night can’t remember, lost the plot,

You were out of control with anger ya face looked scary,

You disappeared Mark demons surfaced ‘n got Lary,

So, the next day arrived ‘n we sat more ‘n talked,

Of why did I break my hand instead of goin’ for a walk?

 

It’s the easiest way I calm me, stop the demons in their track,

It just takes me to lash out o’ with words that attack,

But no, this time I was like when drunk as a kid,

Off came my mask and the anger I hid.

 

So the next day I’m back at work hands painful is it broke?

In a muddle from my blackout and anger what a joke,

I speak with my Safe Space who’s helped me see things in an alternative light,

So, I’ve promised I’ll talk about my demons and beat this horrible fight.

Mark Pasty

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